Internet connection's still fucked up that's why I just posted it now (10/13/10).
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This blog is full of COMPLETELY RANDOM thoughts. I just want to at least say something today.
Many people have been waiting for this day. They say when you wish today, it will be granted. I wished a lot today… do you think God will grant it, even the most impossible?...
It’s like saying today, for me, everyone should just wish for the possible. Pft.
I’ve got a lot of stories to tell – about love, failures, success, randomness, friendship, plans and reality of life. I just don’t actually know where to start. I don’t what’s happening. I have no idea if I’m being possessed by a bad spirit or whatever you call it but what I can say is I HAVE CHANGED. I don’t know myself anymore. It’s like I’ve been sent to a different world where Satan rules 75% of my life.
In the past 22 years of my life, I’ve done a lot of things that taught me lessons and that made me regret. More specifically on my 21st year of existence – I got hospitalized for being careless, I quit from my job without enough savings to sustain all my “vices”, I learned to smoke, I went out every night, I drank too much alcohol, I disobeyed my parents, I stayed up too late, I hated doing household chores, I didn’t care about what other people would say… Let’s say, I’ve become more of a happy-go-lucky type of person. I know everyone thinks of me that way now.
You can see me happy on the outside BUT DEFINITELY NOT ON THE INSIDE.
I got used to this attitude of mine of not sharing what I really feel even with my family or closest friends. I’m the type of person that doesn’t want anybody to think that I’m a weak person. I thought I’d be stronger. But I guess I was wrong… so wrong.
I woke up bothered and feeling blue from a dream last night, well technically this morning. The story I remember is that I was at a pizza restaurant located in a 5-storey building with my family and some relatives and friends. I dropped my family off to the door of the building so they could proceed to the restaurant and had myself park Jetty (my dad’s van) on the graveled lot allotted for the customers. The lot was inclined about 20 degrees so I made sure the hand break was fixed and turned the gear to first. I left Jetty there and used the elevator to get to the restaurant on the top floor. It was like an abandoned building with several restaurants located on the upper levels. There were many people eating, telling stories to each other, laughing and drinking beers. As I was about to sit, my uncle texted me saying something like umaatras ung sasakyan namin that I had to go down and park it properly again. I wondered why kase I made sure na hindi na aatras un. Pero since kelangan ko i-rescue si Jetty, I decided to go down. The elevator wasn’t working this time so I had no choice but to use the stairs from the top floor down to the ground. When I came down, nakita ko bukas ung window sa driver’s seat at hindi nga nakaayos ung park, parang umatras nga. Nung nilapitan ko, I saw my high school classmate trying her best to park the car pero since hindi raw nya maayos, sabi nya ako na lang daw bahala, then she left me. Okay na ulit ang pagkaka-park. I went back to the restaurant using the same stairs. I felt the hingal and pagod. When I reached the floor, I saw my family and some relatives with food on the table pero mas onti na kesa sa una kong nadatnan. When I asked what happened, my uncle told me someone who ate the pizza died dahil sa nakain na pin from the pizza. That was it. From a happy and secured start to a horrible and tiring end. I seldom remember my dreams. I want to know what this means. It seems so simple and weird but I can actually relate.
I never thought I’d be a problem of the society (unemployed) for this long. I left my call center job because I wanted to pursue the career in the IT field. I tried to get into different companies looking for an entry-level applicant that can at least contribute something to them. (Thank you, Jobstreet for your assistance.) I was rejected many times for not having enough bullshit professional experience for the position that I’m applying for. I got tired of it that I even blurted it out to one of the interviewers. I ended up being rejected, too.
Saying what you really feel is not appropriate to all situations. No matter how frustrated you are. I’m making A LOT of mistakes and I guess I’m learning A LOT from them.
I had a trying-to-be-happy day yesterday. I did the most stressful financial reports with some of my favorite people at a friend’s house. We had some group pictures taken through Aspy’s webcam (Aspy’s my laptop, I get used to giving names to my loves). We had a general meeting with the vice rector/administrator of our parish for the first time, and we were late. We ate dinner at Mcdonald’s Marcos Hi-way – I enjoyed the fries, burger, Mcflurry and laughs from my friends. I was like Cinderella last night. Pagdating ko ng bahay, some friends were waiting for me for some shots and usual kwentuhan. I wasn’t really in the mood last night but I still tried to get along with them since they were so hyper. I was given a new name by Tin: “Mariposa” What’s the reason behind it? I don’t know. Until I needed to go home for some reasons. That was around 1AM. I hadn’t slept yet. I just turned on my laptop. Unfortunately, we didn’t have an internet connection so I just tried to compose a note for someone to be saved to Buffy before I return it to the owner. That was the hardest note I have ever made for him.
It’s Sunday. I woke up at 6:30 as my phone alarmed but decided not to go to our BP Operation. I slept again until around 11:30 until I realized the donation boxes were with me. Natawa ako sa text ng Big Boss namen when he said pinapunta nya ung mga magdodonate dito sa bahay dahil nasa akin nga ung donation boxes. Haaaay.
I didn’t have any plans of going out. I just wanted to stay at home, in my room and finish this. But my niece wanted to experience malling today so I had no choice but to drive for them. We went to Sta. Lucia. We ate at Greenwich – ordered my favorite lasagna and tried their new Buffalo Wingman and I can say Flaming Wings is still better. I bought a new pair of sandals in Primadonna – still unhappy. I bought a brown belt in GG – unsatisfied. I tried to look for an aqua blue shirt in Park *check* but it’s not available – very much unhappy. To think, all of these were some of the items on my wishlist. I guess I’m not happy in reality. Hindi naman ako nag-iinarte, mahirap lang talaga mag-divert ng thoughts.
I was about to buy Mitch Albom’s “Have a Little Faith” soft cover edition but it’s not available. I was thinking of buying Paulo Coelho’s “The Valkyries” or Sophie Kinsella’s “Twenties Girl” but then I changed my mind. I don’t know why.
I decided not to attend the mass today. I’m a bad person. Nahihiya ako ke God. I guess I still don’t have the strength to face Him…
How does it feel to be single again? I mean, I know I have my own freedom. They say it’s happy. But will I be happy this time that no one’s going to scold me for getting home late (aside from my Mom), to give me kisses and hugs that make me feel comfortable, to come with me to the movie house, to text me if “good morning” and let me he’s already in the office, to remind me that I have to practice Photoshop and Dreamweaver so I can be ready for my next job, to receive “good luck” messages that only he can make me feel so determined and ready to face the world, to tease me “malaki pisngi at ilong”, to show me his works in Photoshop and tell me some tips, etc. I know I’ll be missing a lot but I know this is right decision.
“Let go of what kills you and hold on to what keeps you breathing,” they say. But what if the thing that kills you also keeps you breathing? How do you deal with that?
I want to take a short course (PHP and MySQL Fundamentals and Advanced) in UP-ITTC on November. I want to join a modeling workshop. I want to grab this home-based job offered to me from abroad. I want to work as a host in TGI Friday’s. I want to apply for a part-time Tech Supp position in NCO Marikina. I want to leave this place, go to Cebu or Davao and get a job from there. I want to teach students. I want to go shopping and food tripping.
Do you know how to make your skin white? I’m currently using a soap made of kojic acid. They say it can make my skin white. I’ve been using it for weeks but I guess my color’s still not changing. Do you have any idea how much does bleaching costs? (I’m desperate.)
I want to get pampered – facial, full body massage, prophylaxis, foot and hand spa, body scrub, manicure and pedicure. My birthday’s in a week. I want to give myself a treat as I turn 22. Maybe it could be a good way to start anew.
From my experiences, from people around me, from books I read, from TV shows I watched, from sermons I heard, I learned that life is like riding a bicycle – you will not move forward or keep moving on unless you start pedaling. You have to learn how to balance. You have to stay focus on the road para hindi ka mabangga o sumemplang. You have to check left and right sides to make sure wala kang mababanggang iba. You have to pull the brakes pag alam mong mababangga ka na. You have to slow down sa intersection para alam mong walang makakasagabal sa daan mo. Kung masemplang ka, don’t just cry - stand up then start pedaling again. The basics of riding a cycle may be simple but you can definitely apply this in real life.
You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be
You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be but we lost it
All of my memories so close to me just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
I just heard this song from my iTunes as I was editing my playlist. How do you find the lyrics?
I’m trying to work on this presentation for a friend’s tita’s 50th birthday. Can you help me with some techniques on Windows Movie Maker?
There are a lot of men in the world. Why the hell do I keep on getting the wrong ones? Or let’s say, why do they keep on getting me – a wrong one? This blog’s not just about love life, okay.
I think of having my own child. Or let’s say, something I can grow myself. Like a puppy. Shi Tzu. My friend has a “Sim” (that’s the name of the dog) and I’m starting to fall in love with him. I was never a pet lover since our dog named “Missy” died in 1998. It breaks my heart… I was so sad because she was taken apart from us so early. I have “letting go” issues, you know. But I guess I have to work on it now. I realize everything’s going to die.
What can you say about commitment? Is it just a responsibility? Fulfillment of a given task? For me, doing something is not a commitment as long as you don’t have your heart in it. You shouldn’t be doing something not because you HAVE to but because you LOVE to.
I’m going to die. Internet connection’s still not okay until now. Phones are bankrupt, I don’t want to load ‘em up just to browse the net. Effin’ PLDT. Disputes were reported over phone since October last year. But my mom had no choice but to pay half of the amount just for the sake of getting this issue resolved. Errrr. As what I learned from my customer service experience, a call will be considered a good call if the customer is happy and satisfied with the service whether the issue is resolved or not. My mom had never been happy.
I just finished watching The Notebook. Yes, it made me cry. Like a baby craving for more milk. Err. I wish I could’ve read the book first. Rachel McAdams is one of my favorite female artists. She’s very nice. Try to watch it. O ako na lang hindi nakakanood? Pft.
